WHEN GRIEF BECOMES YOUR LIFE

MY GRIEF JOURNEY

Hi all,

I hope that you are on this blog page just out of interest and not because you have suffered a loss. If its because of the latter, then we are sorry for your loss and we know what life is like for you and your family.

I have been posting on other media and bereavement sites and have noticed that people have been engaging with how grief has been affecting both me and my family. It is also blatantly obvious that either more men have lost their lives or women are the only ones to share what bereavement means to them.

Its important to say at this point that these views are entirely my own, I'm not a bereavement counsellor, so if these blogs help, then that is good, if they don't, then I sincerely hope that you take what I write in the good faith it was intended.

I suspect that as men, we are pre-programmed to just suck it in and not show our feelings, but in my opinion, that's just rubbish. I feel the loss so deeply that I cant just hold it all in and carry on. I have tried to be the "Tough Guy" but its just dragging me into a well of despair, I'm staring down the barrel of depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, reclusiveness or just putting it simply, I've lost my way, but to reassure you, I'm not going to do anything stupid, I have a loving family that needs me as much as I need them, so we are all ok on that front, but having said that, I can clearly see how that line could be crossed.

I set up with the the family Micatravels as a charitable cause to promote awareness and raise funds so that people can be aware of the terrible effects of Cholangiocarcinoma and Sepsis and research can be supported so that one day a life can be saved.

This is the main driving force that is keeping my family and specifically me on the path of hope. I need to do it for my wife, my family need to do for their mum and the siblings for their sister, but, and this is a big but, whilst we bury ourselves into the charitable cause, bluntly, its a distraction and just masks the heartbreak that we all feel.

An example of this, is that Mr. Tough Guy (me) has taken nearly a year to recognise that I need help, not from those that I love so dearly, they are also going through grief, but from professional people that are either well trained or unfortunately have suffered loss themselves. Their anonymity will give an unbiased view of the road I'm travelling along, hopefully I will be able to show my feelings, wishes, and maybe hopes to them and get an understanding of how to deal with my feelings. Grief is a job you are thrust in without and training and you can't learn the job without a mentor steering and guiding you.

You can't rely on your heart or head to steer you, frankly you are too screwed up to make and sensible decisions, your heart is broken, your head is trying to process your feelings and at the same time keep yourself alive, life goes on, and you simply have to do things to keep going. It might be trying to work to earn money, it might be the things you took for granted, like shopping, cooking, cleaning even remembering birthdays or bills that need to be paid and in the early days, you have to sort out the funeral for the most dearest person in your life. You have cope with this when every sinew in your body does not want to do it or even believe it.

Once you get past these "hurdles" you then have to deal with guilt, for no reason other than you are getting on with life of sorts, is not right.

Betrayal is another feeling, what right have you to laugh, enjoy or even think of future. Perish the thought of a distant contemplation of a companion in later years, how could you even think of that! You can't "move on" that just forgets all that you been through with your loved one.

Finally, judgement, what will people think of you if you just get on with life or even just cope. What is a respectable time for grief at the end of the day? If she is in an immortal sub level somewhere and when your time comes, your souls collide, if you have stepped out of line, made a few silly mistakes or fully "moved on" whatever that means, will you live the rest of your immortal life living with the upset of knowing that you didn't stay true to your love of the life. Who knows, I suppose there is only one way to find out and then you cant go back or tell others.

So as you can see, I am not capable of making a sensible decision, well not yet anyway, that's why I need help. I'm pleased to say, that after a long time of convincing myself that I didn't need help, I finally got the call from a bereavement counsellor and have a time slot to share my feelings.

So with this in mind, I thought it might be useful to share my journey with you, after all, I'm just another heartbroken husband thrust into a dreadful life, but I'm too tired to suck it up anymore and be Mr. Tough Guy but feel brave enough to share my journey with you for no other reason, than I can't be the only husband that has lost his wife and lost his way.

Don't Judge, be kind, this is a real life story after all.